Figuring Out the Female Dating Scene

The Women's Movement Is on Your Side

Today's woman doesn't need you.  And while that might be a real shocker, trust me, this is a good thing. It used to be that women, at least some women, looked for a man to take care of them, pay their bills and give them the lifestyle they wanted.

The assumption was that the man took care of the woman and she kept the house clean and went shoe shopping. This isn't the case any longer, and that's a very good thing. Women today are much more independent.

Most are completely capable of fending for themselves in the big, bad world, so they don't need you to pay their bills and look after them. The reason this is such a good thing is that most women you'll run across in your dating endeavors are interested in finding love and partnership rather than status or a sugar daddy.

If you have money, that's great, but she's probably more interested in how that will help the two of you in your life partnership than in whether or not you'll be giving her a yacht for her next birthday.

Many women today are perfectly capable of buying their own yachts, and even those who aren't can handle themselves financially. This is the product of women waiting longer to think seriously about marriage.

They're getting their educations out of the way and starting careers. They're investing their money and have learned that they can handle things even if they don't have a man to provide for them.

You're likely to come across lots of women like this as you date. They're not necessarily women's libbers, but they have learned that they're responsible for their own life successes and that they can provide for themselves.

They still want to form lasting, equitable and loving partnerships with great guys, but they aren't looking for someone to save them. When you're dating a woman like this, it's pretty important to avoid taking a patronizing tone with them.

If you're interested in being with a smart, savvy, self-confident woman who can handle her life and who is looking for a great partner to share life with, the women's movement is definitely on your side.

In your dating endeavors, you're likely to come across both types of women - the ones that need you and the ones that don't. Today's woman is looking for love, not someone to provide for her. Because of this, you can have an increased level of confidence that she likes you for you - not your cash, your house, or the fact that you have a cool car.

So, if you're a nice guy who's been worrying because you drive a clunker or your apartment is an efficiency, don't let it cause too much anxiety. More often than not, she's looking at what's inside, not what you can provide.

Remember - You Don't Want a Fixer Upper!

Fixer-uppers are fine when you're talking about a car, a house or a cottage up north. But when it comes to women, you do not want a fixer-upper! Female fixer-uppers come with problems that can't be fixed with your tender loving care and money, so if you sense you're dating a woman like this, you might want to break it off before you have any regrets.

Yes, this sounds sort of callus, but you're looking for a nice girl, right?  Fixer-uppers might have the makings of a nice girl, but do you truly want to spend a lot of time chancing it?

You might be better off looking for a woman who's already got herself together - at least for the most part. It's true that nobody is perfect and we all have our issues and baggage to carry around. The question is, how much baggage, and how many issues make a woman a fixer-upper? Only you can decide that.

In the world of love, fixer-uppers are bad girls who helpful souls like yourself think they can change for the better, or they're people with a bunch of issues, even if they aren't necessarily bad.

Certainly, there's a place in this world for compassion and kindness, and this isn't to suggest that you let people who legitimately need and want help to fall by the wayside. This is saying that you have an obligation to yourself to not get caught up in a situation that you may really seriously regret in the future.

That's why when you spot a fixer-upper, you need to avoid dating her or becoming romantically involved with her until she's emotionally healthy. Most females with self-confidence issues and the like are attracted to bad boys.

They want to try to help this man and change him for the better to make themselves feel good, often with disastrous results. Female fixer-uppers and bad girls often have low self-esteem, low self-confidence and are generally insecure. Bad boys like women like this because they can easily be manipulated.

You, on the other hand, are looking for a woman who doesn't need fixing. You are looking for a girl who has her self-esteem and self-confidence firmly in place and is secure and happy with who she is.

If a good woman finds herself facing certain issues, she'll be the type who will deal with them positively and productively. Again, no one is without baggage, but an emotionally healthy woman will tackle her own issues rather than looking to you as her rescue and support system.

Granted, if you develop a relationship, she may need your help or support occasionally, but this goes both ways and it's part of a healthy relationship. This doesn't make her a fixer-upper.

Here are signs of a fixer-upper (in other words, women to avoid):

·         She is very clingy and needy

·         You feel the need to rescue her because she seems so helpless

·         She has self-destructive habits that she is unwilling to get help for

·         She seems very insecure

·         She lacks basic self-esteem

·         She lacks self-confidence

Again, it's important to stress that fixer-uppers are not necessarily bad people. But you are searching for a good girl to date and hopefully develop a lasting relationship with. Do you really want to spend the extra time, energy and even money to try to fix someone who may not even want fixing in the first place?

Women Like Positive Approaches!

You've spotted a nice woman that you'd like to get to know. Your initial approach is going to make all the difference in how she perceives you and whether or not she's open to getting to know you better.

When you notice a woman you want to talk to, you can start things off before you even say a word to her. An exchanged smile when she looks your way with a second of eye contact is a good way to start things off.

This happens in the span of a couple of seconds, but it's a great way to start. Once a glance and a smile are exchanged, you can approach her and start a conversation. This can be scary, but it's the way things work.

Of course, you don't need to wait to catch her eye first. You can always just walk up to her and start a pleasant conversation.  When you approach her to talk, start out on a positive note, and keep things that way.

A smile and an interesting comment or question will work. Hopefully, you've prepared yourself with something interesting and relevant to say, and you've left the pick-up lines at home. Depending on where you are and what the occasion is, you can come up with interesting openers.

If you're at your friend's wedding, then comment about the DJ or the Band, or how happy the bride and groom look. If you're at a business meeting, ask her which department she's from. Let the conversation develop from there.

As you're talking, remember to keep things positive and upbeat. Women don't want to meet a guy who complains about things or seems negative about himself. Along the same vein, don't disagree with her about everything.

For example: if she says she thinks that George Michael is the greatest performer of all time, you can tactfully say that you prefer David Bowie. With issues that have a way of getting people irritated, you should tread more lightly.

Saying that her choice of political candidate is just plain wrong should be avoided. You can always smile and say, "Candidate So and So seems to have a strong following. I am still making my decision."

Other sensitive topics include religion, sexual orientation, ecological issues, money and even the holidays. Just steer clear of confrontation and keep things nice while you're getting to know each other.

If you find that she doesn't know how to follow the rules of positive conversation, bow out and find someone else to talk to, or she'll ruin your own good mood. The rules for keeping things upbeat go both ways and you're looking for someone with a positive outlook, too.

Both women and men want to meet people who are positive and fun to talk to - not depressing, negative or confrontational. Remember to think of some pleasant openers, smile and show interest in what your new acquaintance has to say. By doing this, you'll make a new friend and you might even find your next date!

How Women Peg Guys Who Will Be "Just Friends"

Women can spot a "guy friend" at fifty paces, and you don't want to be pegged that way! Certainly, good friend characteristics are similar to good boyfriend characteristics. These are: honesty, loyalty, respect, "being there" for her, attentiveness and reliability.

Here's the thing - those are also characteristics of a good dog. So, what you need is to have those, plus boyfriend characteristics that add to what you're offering. You can overdo it with all those wonderful traits and end up seeming, again, like a trusted friend, but nothing else.

Let's look at how women decide what makes a good friend, and what makes a good boyfriend. We've already talked about what we'll now refer to as "dog traits." That's not meant to downplay the value of those characteristics at all.

They're extremely valuable in life. But we need to find out what you must add (or even take away) to get on the potential boyfriend list. One the one hand, a woman doesn't necessarily want a guy who has had a long list of romances and seems to move from one woman to the next as if there's a production line.

On the other hand, if she knows you've been single forever, she'll take that as a huge warning sign in neon. But what if you have been single forever? This might be a bit underhanded, and honesty is a very good thing, but you might want to find a way to keep from having that particular truth advertised without lying about it.

You can say that it's been a while. You can say that you took some time after your last break-up to find out what was really important in life. You can say that while you do want to share your life with someone, you felt it was important to take time to be alone after your last break-up.

But telling a woman you've never had a date will make you sound desperate, and you'll most likely end up on the good friend list. Here's another thing that will get you on the best friends forever list, but will ban you from the boyfriends list: sharing your own "must-have" list for the woman of your dreams.

If you care about ever getting a quality date, or a wife, keep your list to yourself because whoever you end up with is most likely not going to have all those things, and she's not going to be happy knowing that while you and she are having dinner, you're going through your checklist to size up her shortcomings.

Women want to be accepted for who they are. Yes, there are always things that you would like to be different about her. There are things she'd change about you, too. Women aren't without lists. But smart daters keep it to themselves.

We've already talked a little about desperation. There's no place for it in dating and romance. Sometimes, it's hard not to feel desperate, but you're going to have to put that aside.

If you ask a woman out and she refuses, accept it and move on. Don't ask her why and don't keep bugging her. Be gracious about the refusal and start looking for someone else to ask out.

If you pester and demand to know why, you're going to look desperate. If you just move on, you're doing yourself a huge favor. She may even find you suddenly a bit more attractive if you don't get all devastated about her rejection.

Does This Woman Deserve Your Heart?

You've met the woman of your dreams - you think. You've been dating for some time and things are getting pretty serious. You're at the point where you're becoming exclusive (or maybe you're thinking about making things even a bit more permanent).

Before you ask her to move in with you, or marry you, you have to ask yourself, "Does this woman deserve my heart?" Answer it completely honestly. Remember, it isn't only her judging whether you are worthy, but you deciding whether she is worthy of you.

When the idea of permanence enters into your head, it's time to take a few deep breaths and really think things through - even if it means that you'll be putting off having the exclusive dating talk, or the moving in together talk, or the marriage proposal.

These things are a big deal and because of that, you absolutely need to take your time and know in your heart that she's the kind of person you want to spend an eternity. Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself:

·         Are we truly compatible? If your intention is to make this relationship more permanent, this is a good question to ask. Not just if you both like dogs and macaroni and cheese and hockey, but are you compatible on a deeper level.

·         Are you on the same page when it comes to the really important things like kids, spirituality, finances and other things that will eventually play a very important part in your life together? If you don't see eye-to-eye, have the two of you figured out how you're going to compromise or where your common ground will be?

·         Is she good to you? This is something that some people forget to ask when they're just plain head over heels in love or your family and friends like her a lot and are pressuring you.

·         Is she kind to you? Does she respect your dreams, goals and ideas? How does she treat you when you're out with friends? How does she treat you when you're alone? Does she apologize if she's made a mistake? Is she controlling? Is she loyal to you?

·         Is she someone that you really, truly like? You have to be able to like this person, not just love her. Do you enjoy her company most of the time?  Do you respect her and what she stands for? Are you comfortable with the way she treats your family and friends?

·         Can you picture spending your life with her? Do you have visions of sitting on the front porch in his and her rocking chairs while your grandchildren play at your feet? Do you feel comfortable committing yourself to this person?

As you consider these questions, make sure you're honest with yourself. Small differences can probably be worked out, and nobody is perfect. But if you're uncomfortable with committing to something more serious, then wait until you're sure you're ready.

The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have to get back into the dating scene. Just make sure you're getting someone who you're happy and comfortable with. Never settle for less than you deserve.