Special Obstacles for Star Crossed Lovers
There are many obstacles blocking the path for lovers who split for some reason or other and then realized they’ve made a horrible mistake.
Is it too late or is it just too exhausting to try and figure out the angles of a successful reunion?
Many star-crossed lovers have been successful in their quest to resume a relationship – but many more never make it back together because there’s just too much to overcome.
Listen up if you don’t want this to happen to you.
To be successful, couples have enough problems to deal with without having to deal with the aftermath of making up after breaking up.
These obstacles to a happy and successful relationship must be overcome and it takes lots of work from both of you.
Certain patterns in your relationship will determine success or failure. How you react to issues, outside influences that can be good or bad and how much you strive to work together on removing the obstacles is the best measure of a successful relationship.
If only one of you is working on these issues, the relationship has very little chance of success – but if you’re both determined to move on despite the break up and the roadblocks surrounding it, there’s a good chance you can enjoy life as a happy and successful couple.
Dealing With Unresolved Issues and Other Roadblocks to Lasting Love
Damage control from a breakup can be an awesome task. Perhaps you were rejected and he moved on to someone else. Now comes the problem of dealing with his new squeeze – getting her out of the picture as soon as possible so that he can devote all his attention toward you.
It may not be that easy if a long period of time has gone by and she’s made an impact in his life and with his friends and family.
Your ex may be hesitating to get back together as a couple with you because he’s confused about his relationship with the other person in his life. It’s your job to turn his head and get his thinking back to the good times (hopefully, more than the new woman) he’s had with you.
Some of the unresolved issues and other roadblocks are:
· Family and relatives against the reunion – This is a hard one, and perhaps the most difficult to overcome. If you’ve got family and friends who are raving, “Why did you go back to him?” there’s probably a tug of war within yourself. You may attempt to keep your ex and others apart until things settle down. But the truth is that keeping them apart may just make things worse.
What you can do… Getting everyone on the same page about the two of you getting back together requires a plan. It’s normal that you turned to friends and family at the time of the breakup to gain some reassurance about yourself and your decision to break up. You may have revealed problems in your relationship that’s made them doubt the fact that the two of you should be together as a couple.
Make a concerted effort to reconnect with the family and friends in your life. Don’t isolate yourself (or the two of you) from them because you’re afraid of repercussions from what you’ve said or done.
Be honest and forthright in what you want from them – acceptance of your decision to reunite with your ex and some time for the two of you to prove that you made the correct decision.
When his family and friends are against the relationship. This obstacle can work both ways, and it’s just as probable that he’s spoken to his family and friends, especially if you broke up with him or lied or cheated during the relationship. Now you’ve got to win back their hearts and convince them that you should be a couple again.
Your ex may be greatly influenced by his family and friends, so it’s important that you jump right into the fray without hesitating because you don’t want to face their wrath – or indifference. After a while, if you don’t seem to be making any headway to win them back, go to your partner and ask for help.
If he truly loves you and wants this relationship to work as much as you do, he’ll make the effort. And, be patient. Sometimes hardened hearts take a while to soften.
· Your ex is involved with someone else – This situation can play on your emotions like no other. He may be straddling the fence on which of you he wants to maintain a relationship with. There doesn’t have to be a big standoff, but in time you should tell your ex that it’s either you or her and until he makes a decision, you won’t be around.
After you temporarily take a leave of absence, he won’t have a choice except to think about you and the decision he has to make. He can’t take you for granted and he’s sure to begin to miss you.
He may even wonder if he can get you back – and trust me, that will make you more desirable than ever.
During this time of decision-making for him, don’t call, text-message or have any other contact with him. If he calls and wants to talk about anything except getting back together, you must tell him that you really don’t want to talk or get together until he makes the decision.
Your ex may be enthralled in a rebound relationship – and the chances of it lasting are less than 5%. It’s simply a matter of being lonely, feeling unattractive and missing the good times with you.
He’s trying to recreate those times with another person, and it won’t last long. A rebound relationship might actually work in your favor by bringing back memories of you and the good times he had with you – and the difference in your personality and another’s.
Think of it as a quick spin around the block in a new or different car – it’s simply a flirtation, but it won’t last because it’s either too expensive or it just doesn’t have the same value – sentimental or otherwise as the old model.
Love is emotional and it’s so very tempting to try and outdo your rival, but you’ll be outdoing her by keeping quiet and letting him miss you, just as you did right after the breakup and before he was ready to have the “talk.”
· One of you wants to maintain control of the other. Control is often a huge issue with couples and it’s often the most difficult one to deal with. You may want to think of it as the “silent killer” of a shared relationship.
Control issues sometimes cause so much confusion and frustration in a relationship that unrelated problems appear in other areas of the couple’s lives.
If you’re the controlling partner, you may want to blame the other for not being honest or for waiting too long to bring up an issue because he’s too passive. But maybe you’re the passive partner – then, you may become frustrated that it seems your partner doesn’t respect you or your opinions or views.
Relationships are always in the changing mode – never dormant. It’s important that whether you’re controlling or passive that you’re tuned in to your behavior patterns. Do you give in too often to your partner’s wishes when you don’t agree?
It’s easy to blame the more controlling partner for problems that may arise in a relationship, but the passive partner must take some of the flack for not speaking up and expressing their own wants and needs. Then, you (as a couple) can reach a decision – whether it’s compromising or explaining further why you think you have the best solution.
Tagging yourself as a victim in a “control” situation should be avoided at all cost. This attitude can cause hurt feelings and a powerless feeling, which can only lead to trouble in a relationship. Maintaining a successful relationship after a breakup means that you need to be open to change – and you need to believe that your partner can change.
If there are control issues in the relationship, talk to your partner immediately about changing the dynamics so that the two of you are equal.
· You or your ex can’t forgive past transgressions. Constantly bringing up past transgressions in a relationship you’re attempting to mend can damage it beyond repair.
Cheating, lying or any other problem that isn’t talked about and resolved can fester and ruin any chances you had of resuming and keeping a successful relationship. A transgression that’s repeated over and over may be more difficult to forgive.
In fact, there’s a more serious problem that needs to be dealt with and you may need counseling, either alone or together. If you don’t resolve the issue, it can only lead to mistrust and resentment.
If you’re consistently being disrespected by your ex and you forgive him time after time there could be something seriously missing from your self-worth or self-esteem. This may go all the way back to your childhood – and until you can resolve it, your ex or someone else will always take advantage of you and you’ll always be the victim.
The best action you can take if your ex (or you) continues to act in this manner is to put some distance between you and work as hard as you can on the forgiveness and/or self-esteem issues.
· Emotional baggage – Almost everyone comes into a relationship with some emotional baggage from however long or brief our histories are. If we’ve had several relationships, there’s even more baggage that we’ll need to deal with before becoming successful in any relationship.
Emotional baggage can include troubles from past relationships and even a troubled childhood. If jealousy, lack of attention or emotional and physical abuse were involved, more work will be needed to wipe out or at least lessen the scars.
Emotional baggage sometimes begins patterns that can haunt every relationship you’re involved in – not to mention the rest of your life.
You may have chosen to enter into a relationship that only perpetuated the patterns you carry with you because of emotional baggage. Take a close look at the relationship with your ex and try to determine if you’re repeating the same patterns of destructive behavior again and again.
Some things you can do to prevent emotional baggage from determining whether or not your relationship will be successful are:
Be in charge of your thoughts about the past. It’s not healthy to obsess about past relationships. It’s like looking at a picture of someone you loved and lost over and over again. Eventually it begins to wear on your emotions.
Don’t give up on this or any other relationship. Just because you’ve had difficult relationships in the past doesn’t mean that you’re destined for failed relationships in your future. Working on the areas which failed will ensure that you enter the next love relationship with the emotional baggage gone from your thinking process.
Learn from your emotional baggage. It’s said that we learn the most from our past mistakes and that’s certainly true of any mistakes we’ve made in love relationships. It’s okay to feel grief or disappointment in a failed relationship, but don’t carry the same low expectations into your next one.
Anything you’re obsessing about because you fear it will come between you and your ex should be brought out into the open and talked about. You’ll never enjoy a healthy relationship if you keep it all inside and let it build up as anger and frustration.
Give a Voice to Your Concerns
Communicating with your ex the concerns you may have about the roadblocks in your relationship will open new roads for relationship recovery. But, before you talk about your concerns, get them straight in your mind so that you can offer solutions to the problems.
No matter what roadblock you see in yours and your ex’s future, it will never be resolved until you can talk to your ex about it and let the two of you determine the action to take. Only with a forthright effort can the obstacles that lie before you as a couple be resolved and removed from the sanctity of the relationship.
When you voice your concerns to your ex, don’t come from a place of always being right. If your ex doesn’t agree with your assessment of the obstacles that lie ahead or the possible solutions you’ve suggested, be open to his thoughts.
These are solutions that you should attempt to resolve together – as a couple.